Friendships First Steps
Speaker: Andrew Brown
Key Passage: Luke 10: 38-42
Date: 18 July 2010
Over the last few weeks I’ve been pondering the whole question of friends: ‘how do we make friends? How do we make better friends?’
Last week as I was looked out over the Combined congregation I was pondering that same question. We live in such an ethnically diverse community. The experts rate Auckland as ‘super-diverse’ –even more diverse than Sydney. Auckland can be a very lonely place to live in or move into, so how do we connect with people?
My answer last week was ‘hospitality.’ Show hospitality to each other, but what I realise is that we need far more than this. What we need are the skills to know how to make new friendships and how to strength the old ones we have.
E.g. I’ve probably shared with you that at the start of the year I started attending the Pakuranga Running Club on Monday nights. At 6pm a group of people gather for a 5km run. It’s the first time in ages I visited a new group, so I turned up a few times, spoke to other runners, talked to the President and finally helped set up in order to get to know people, but nothing seemed to happen. Finally I prayed “Lord, please help me to have just one really good conversation with someone.” I did. It turned out he was a visitor from another club just there for that night! My friends said, “You need to give things more time,” and I agree, but I wonder if it is an issue for any others of us, ‘How do you break in?’
I mean, is it me or have you found yourself asking that same question? You move up and into a new school and a new classroom. You have to figure out how to fit in. You change jobs. There’s a new crew to get used to. What do you do? You might be new here at church, or it simply might be that you need to grow a wider circle of friends at church (this can often happen as groups change). Have you found yourself asking the same question?
Because we all need friends. Just recently I’ve been reading a good book called ‘Educating Boy’s’ and it makes the good point that boys need friendships at different levels in order to thrive. They need 2-5 close mates, a group of 10-20 other friends, 20 or more peers -and they’ll also have a wide group of contacts that is constantly changing. But this is true, not just for boys, but for everyone.
For example, it was true of Jesus. He had Peter, James and John who were His close mates. He had twelve disciples and others who made a wider group of friends. Then there were other peers, and beyond that was ‘the crowd.’ It’s fascinating how Jesus, the Son of God, still needed friends, and if Jesus needed friends, then do we. As the old quote goes, “No man is an island…”
So how do we make friends and keep them?
Well one friendship that has always intrigued me in the Bible is Jesus friendship with Mary, Martha and Lazarus. It’s unusual because they weren’t part of Jesus chosen band of disciples, and it’s unusual because in that culture two of them were women. Martha and Mary were sisters who lived together in the village of Bethany, about 3-4 km east of Jerusalem. Their brother Lazarus appears to have lived off and on with them. Jesus built a good friendship with them and I think there‘s a lot that we can learn from them.
1. Their friendship begins in Luke 10:38 when it says “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.” This tells us that ‘Good Friendships start with an invitation.’ Martha invited Jesus to visit her home.
Now it takes a lot of courage to approach a famous Rabbi like Jesus. His followers would have surrounded him. There may have been crowds around him. He was only 3-4km from his destination. He had more important things to do surely. Why stop now? But Martha displayed great courage to invite Jesus in.
And that’s how all great friendships begin –they begin with a bold invitation. You can’t sit around hoping that others will invite you. Sometimes you have to take your courage in hand and take a risk in inviting someone.
In fact it doesn’t even have to be a very good invitation at times. I remember the first time I asked Nan Yong out on a date. It was totally klutzy. She was the first Korean I’d ever meet. There was a Korean Cultural exhibition on in town. I said to her “I’m interested in Korean culture. You’re a Korean. Would you like to take me along?” In the end we couldn’t get tickets and we wound up seeing “Sleepless in Seattle” instead. She liked it. I thought it was dreadful, but more importantly we are still friends! That’s how our friendship started.
But also to put the shoe on the other foot, one of the things is that you need to do is to recognise invitations. It might be that someone is making an invitation to you and you can’t see it yet. You know so often we are looking at the people we want to be friends with and we completely miss the people who want to be our friends in the process. Are you doing that? I remember inviting a guy ages back to come along for a game of ten pin bowls. He said, “no, but if you’re ever going to play pool, let me know.” I’m not sure he understood what was actually going on. It wasn’t so much about playing ten bin bowls or pool at all. It was about getting to know him better, but he missed the cue. So make (and learn to spot) invitations.
2. But then we notice that Martha offered Jesus hospitality. The text implies that she made him a meal. This was their way of inviting him into their lives so another step is that ‘Good Friendships begin with hospitality.’
But I think this is where many of us get stage fright. We don’t know what to do. You know “If I ask someone, and they say “Yes,” what do we do, and when do we do it?” Have you ever seen the toilet cleaner advert where the mother in law comes over and the women of the house panics and rushes around trying to clean up her house in time? Some of us are like that. We make hospitality way too complicated. We set the bar way too high. It often much better if we just keep the hospitality simple. So don’t clean the house (much. Just a little). Don’t cook a five-course roast meal. Find something nice and straightforward. The main thing is not to ‘do’ hospitality but to be hospitable in our attitudes.
So what about these for ideas? Go to MacDonald’s or Wendy’s! (oops, no advertising). Check out a new restaurant in the Entertainment Book (“Hey, we’re going. Would you like to come too?”) Invite them over for X-Box –depending on their age. Go out for a picnic (but not today). Suggest a movie. Catch up for coffee some day. Watch the Warriors (if you dare). Share the gift of Sky with someone during the Tri-nations. Invite them along to a club you attend. Take them on a hike or a bike ride. Have them home for soups and sandwiches. Get them to help you with a job around the house! (Free labour!)
The main idea is to invite them to do just whatever you are doing. Do you eat out? Just add one or two. Is your home group having a social event? Just add one or two. Are you going to watch sport? Just add one or two? Are you going to the WOW exercise group? Just add one or two.
Okay, you do have to be a little careful in your choices. I once asked a mate to come and match the movie ‘1984,’ the most depressing movie ever made. We couldn’t talk to each other for a week after that, but generally most people are pretty forgiving. Some folks will remember for years that you asked them out. They’ll really appreciate your efforts as Jesus clearly appreciated Martha’s.
3. But as we carry on in the passage, notice what happens next. A dispute arises between Martha and Mary. Martha is busy in the kitchen preparing the food. Mary is swanning around in the lounge listening to Jesus. Luke 10:39-42 says, “She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.
But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “ Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
What happens is that Martha asks Jesus to be the referee and to tell Mary to help her in the kitchen. Jesus says Mary is doing the right thing, so what is she doing? [Pause] Mary is listening. Mary is practising the lost art of listening and Jesus considers this to be the better thing.
The thing is that there comes a stage in a friendship where one really needs to listen well. Listen to these quotes. Psychologist, Mary O’Reilly says, “Attention and deep listening are important. People are dying in spirit for lack of it.” Kathleen Fischer says, “When I listen to other women and they listen to me we get such tremendous hope from listening to each others stories.” Writer, Eugene Peterson says “Listening is in short supply in the world today; people aren’t used to being listened to.” People aren’t used to being listened to in this world, and if you can listen to a person, to what they are really saying, you have the opportunity to get to know them better on a deeper level. That’s partly what Jesus was getting at.
So remember to ask questions of people. Start with the typical ones. Where are you from? What do you do? How do you feel about the netball? What do you think of politics? Maybe even throw in a few slightly unusual ones, like ‘what’s been one of the most exciting things you’ve ever done?” Find out what gets the other person talking and then simply listen. Don’t interrupt except to keep the conversation going. You’ll be giving them a gift. You’ll be offering them more than simply food. It will be food for their soul. ‘Good Friendships continue with listening.’
4. But notice also that Mary and Jesus had found a common interest. We’ll assume it was there, but it’s natural to suppose that Mary and Jesus were interested in God. That was probably why they were engrossed in conversation. They had found a topic of mutual interest. This tells us that ‘Good friendships share a common interest.’ They just go so much easier. So look for that common interest with a person. Look for that key. Keep asking questions until you find them. It might start with food, movies, travel, sport, and lead on from there. It doesn’t matter what it is -it could be anything. It could be computers, current affairs, fishing, kids, home repairs, cooking, and the things you’ve been learning about God. If people are your spiritual brothers and sisters it will ideally be spiritual matters, but find something in common if you want to take the next step in friendship.
And do let others know your own interests and hobbies too. What I mean is that it is very hard to befriend people who are like a blank wall. For example, for quite a while Nan Yong and I tried to befriend a couple who we hoped would link up with our church. What we realised though was that they had no real interests outside their kids that we could talk of. So there was nothing to grab hold of. There was nothing else we could discuss in conversation. It was like trying to climb to the top of Mount Aoraki without any handholds. Are you like that?
Then help people know what you’re passionate about. And find out what they like. One interest in common can lead to hours of fun and fruitful conversation, like for Jesus and Mary.
5. But we also need to give friendships time. Because ‘Good friendships take time and investment.’ Good friendships take time and regular contact in order to grow. Jesus friendship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus starts with this story, but what you’ll notice later is that Jesus often stopped in when going past to Jerusalem. In other words, He kept up regular communication. He stayed in touch.
This too is a key to friendships. As I often say to people it can take 6-12 months to make good friends at church. There’s a sense in which you have to stick it out and keep working at those friendships. You have to invite, entertain, listen to and share your interests until those good friendships grow.
And when you do, the result will be a friendship that is significant and lasting for you. For if you turn to John 11 there you’ll see how much their friendship really came to mean to Jesus -because as the time went by it became increasingly difficult for Jesus to visit Bethany. Jesus first year of ministry is called the ‘Year of Inauguration,’ the second is called the ‘Year of popularity,’ but the third year is called the ‘Year of Opposition.’ By the third year of ministry Jesus was headed into deep conflict. He was becoming a marked man. The religious leaders of Israel were actively seeking reasons to arrest Him so when a message came from Martha saying “please come to Bethany and help us, Lazarus has died” the disciples thought Jesus was risking His life to help them. “Thomas (called the Twin) said to his fellow disciples, “Let us all go along with the Teacher, so that we may die with him!” (John 11:16). Yet Jesus went.
As it turned out Thomas was right. Once Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead the Pharisees then decided to kill Him. None-the-less Jesus made the dangerous journey up to Jerusalem to help his friends. After all friends do that. Friends help each another. Friends take risks for their friendship. And you’ll see that the favour was returned in John 12 when, despite the danger to Lazarus, Mary, Martha, they courageously gave a dinner in honour of Jesus. They had built such a good friendship that nothing, not even the fear of death, could get in its way.
Isn’t this the kind of friendship that everyone would want?
So let me ask you a few questions. Let’s do a quiet little audit to work out what your friendship index is like and what you might need to work on. Answer these questions for yourself.
1. When was the last time you gave an invite to someone? Are there invites you have overlooked or missed? 2. Do you invite people to join you for meals or other events in your life? 3. Do I really listen?
4. Am I interested in finding out other people’s interests? Am I good at sharing mine? 5. Do I follow up the friendships I have already begun?
Now don’t pick all five to consider. Just chose one, that stands out to you as an area you need to work on. It might be giving or accepting invitations. It might be including other in what you are doing. It might be learning to listen. It might be finding out other people interests or sharing yours. It might be following up on friendships that you have begun. What is it for you? Can I encourage you to do that this week?
Because can you imagine how might it bless PBC if we were good at making friends? And how might it help our neighbourhood, our school or our workplace, if we were better at starting friendships? I think this world would be a much better, happier place if we did this, so let’s start today. And if it’s in your heart to have healthier, happier friendships with the people around you, can I invite you to stand as I pray. Let’s pray…
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